Trying Too Hard

I think I've been trying too hard. In wandering the web, I've found some fun sites, like Lady Skye Fyre's page on learning how to channel (and her blog) or this link on channeling through automatic writing. They have the playful attitude that I've been told repeatedly to adopt.

So I'm trying not to try so hard.

Last night I sat and drummed. I attended to the fundamentals, mainly my breathing, which I hadn't been doing recently. I saw a level of energy around me; it formed a sphere around me with something between the sphere and my belly. I was told to scan the sphere of energy. I found a glop of yuk (a "smudge") that I pulled off. As it pulled off it sort of became human with a tired demeanor. I greeted it and asked if it had anything to say to me but I didn't hear anything. So I pictured Light coming down to it and pulling it away. I found another smudge and it too became human-like when I pulled it off. When I greeted it, it sort of came at me, going for my throat. Somehow I knew this was an aspect of me-- my lack of patience. So I befriended it and filled it with light. It became honey-colored, which matched the color of the sphere of energy surrounding me. My patience and I finished scanning and kind of polishing the energy sphere.

I know that I need to work on my patience. I would rather work on it than get slapped upside the head with a patience lesson.

I love picturing the Light, summoning it, because there's such a wonderful feeling when it shows up and I hear the chorus of hello's responding to my greeting.

I love the picture at the top of this post. I'm using it for my sacred space, though last night I also found myself at my original sacred space. I really like the horse-on-springs rocking horse from my childhood that I have there. I rode it early in my journey, to sort of get me started, and it morphed into my Mannaz donkey. I was on his back and could feel the wind in my face as we flew through a purple sky.

I felt that my honey-colored patience was associated with my third chakra, which I associate with the color yellow. It seemed like the energy sphere was also associated with my third chakra.

Heart chakra

I've been receiving nice tips from someone in the Magick Forums at the Druidsfoot site in the Indigenous Faiths & Shamanistic Practices section under my post Deathwalker-in-training.

To strengthen the connection with my spirit guide, he suggested that I call this being to link in with my body as I sit in meditation. I should then notice at which chakra the connection seems the strongest.

When I tried this, I didn't feel that I could see the being or hear its speech patterns. But I did feel that I had the strongest connection at my heart chakra, which I associate with the color green. I thought my left brain was feeding me this information until I began to see green everywhere. (I don't know why I don't think that my left brain could also make me see green everywhere.)

When I reported this vague connection, his next suggestion contained the following:

Channelling is a bit like opening a heavy rusty door for the first time - it goes little by little, until the joints ease and you can move it more freely.

This sentence has been enlightening for me. For one thing, his use of the word "channelling" gave me a different perspective on the process. In addition, his analogy to a heavy rusty door is wonderful. One morning during my shower, I felt the door budge just a bit as I was lost in thought and felt something akin to a voice in my heart. Then the door slammed shut as my left brain or ego or intellect or whatever panicked. My helpful friend had also said

The difficulty with this, is letting your ego step aside for 5 minutes -because the intellect suddenly freaks out that it's losing control.

Which is what happened.

So I've been trying to let go, play, have fun while I sit. But my left brain/ego/whatever is still holding on tight.

Last night, though, I felt that I was making some progress on focusing on my heart as I meditate. As I finished last night, I might have received the koan (or it might have come from my left brain): To let go, hold on.

Find the Face

Aeschylus's belly button

Secret Light

Secret Light

Secret light,

Secret light,

I have a secret light.

-- The song my guide in Leuki form sang as it drummed through me

More Progress

Another step down the path.

Last night I sat and didn't fall asleep.

My initial intention was to have a fun journey. In the back of my mind was something brought up in a Druidsfoot thread in which I introduced myself as a deathwalker-in-training. An experienced psychopomp asked which part of my body I hear my spirit guide in. He elaborated that I would feel a connection in a chakra.

So as I sat and drummed, I invited my spirit guide to meld with me. I didn't "see through its eyes" or even feel a particular chakra as tingly. What I felt reminded me of a description I've read of dancing your spirit guide, that is, allowing the spirit guide to experience the physical through your movements. I was simply sitting and drumming, not dancing, but I felt a joy in the drumming. It changed from my feeling that "someone else is drumming," with the monotonous journey drumming, to feeling that I was drumming and producing different rhythms.

During this, I asked about chakra connections. I was feeling a connection strongest at my heart chakra, which I associate with the color green. But I felt like my verbal logical brain was creating this feeling, until I saw green everywhere.

It was a delightful session and yet I felt throughout that my left brain was maintaining too much control. I wasn't able to fully let go, climb over, slide into my right side.

I heard Leuki telling me to run as we made our way through tall grass. I tried to feel the running, and felt it like I was in Leuki's body, running. But I couldn't hold on to it.